The Dynamic of Exchange

Wise women know what to hold fast to and what to release. They exchange the things of death for the blessings of life. As I let these words soak into my spirit and write themselves on my heart I lay in bed ready to weap.

I have to say this is going to be a very personal blog that is hard for me to write. I don't want to put these words on "paper" but I know I need to. I am struggling right now to get started and to realese what is in my heart. I want to make this post private and not let anyone read it but then that is not really letting go is it? So... here goes nothing... no not nothing... here goes a release in the spirit.

For a while I have struggled with the fact that I felt like I failed my two boys in their first years. And I failed the very description of being a mom. I resented having them so close (13 months) I thought that the joy of either pregnancy was taken from me. See with Daniel I was in a car wreck during the sixth month. So the rest of the pregnancy was over shadowed with fear and physical pain for while anyway. With Andrew I couldn't focus all of my energy on the joys of being pregnant becuase I was often too sick and still having to give mommy time to Daniel who was only 4 months old when I got pregnant. Then with having two of them in diapers, breast feeding one and bottle feeding the other I didn't force myself to stop and enjoy them. All I look back and see is staying tired and being miserable. I am not supposed to fell that way about the beginning of my children's life. I feel I failed as a mother becuase I can not honestly remeber holding either one of them for the first time. It hurts to listen to women who talk about the connection they instantly made with their baby the first time they looked at each other. I have no memory of either. And that hurts like you can't believe. I will never get back those moments.

So to try to heal myself I convince myself that I could do it better the next time. And the next time should be right away. I tell myself over and over just try again when you have the next baby - which has to be a girl becuase thats what I want. Well, it is just not that easy. People look at me and say I am crazy for wanting another one. While I am silently shouting - BUT IF I DONT HAVE ANOTHER BABY I CAN"T PROOVE THAT I AM NOT A FAILURE! It is not just a want - IT IS A NEED! But my husband (in his words) is "okay with not having another child." I AM NOT OKAY! I feel like I have to proove myself.

So for the past couple of days I have been addressing this in my spirit. I have to be okay with whatever God wants. Me and my husband are to be one. And this is putting a wall between us. (Dusty - if you read this please understand I am not gripping or complaining. I am trying to release this so that I can move past it. Thank you for understanding.) I have to release my desire for another baby. I think well, if i say that I am okay with not ever being pregnant again, then God will hear me and he wants me to be happy and he knows that another baby will make me happy. So basically I never really let go.

I am exchanging the what I see as past failures for God's encouragement that I am a good mother.

I exchange the need of a another child for the deisre to know my husbands heart on a deeper level.

I exchange the void of memories I should have for memories I will make with Daniel and Andrew each and every day.

I have come to realize that even if I have another baby, I will never get back what I feel like I lost with the first two. So now I re;ease all of those feelings and say to the enemy I might not have let God turn me into the the jewel he wanted to create then, but that does not make me a failure I take back my miserable past and give it to the Father that was always there right beside and I will no longer dwell on what I feel that I missed but I will dweel on what I remeber as great. The days I would breastfeed Andrew and rock Daniel with a bottle just praying that we could all sleep just a little. The times I would just watch Andrew and Daniel sleeping. the first time Daniel ate a pickle. how Andrew would cry until we set him in his walker and Uncle Daryl would give him a graham cracker to chew on until it was so slobbery he couldn't hold on to it. The day Daniel stood in the chair above Andrew on the floor and was eating a cookie spilling the crumbs on Andrew and Andrew would pick up the smaller pieces and eat them. How much fun they had in GoGo's pool. I cling to those memories, never to let go of them.

Lord, you know there will always be a severt place in my heart that wants a baby girl. But now I can say that it is not becuase I want to proove that I can do it, It is becuase I want to bring a lovely mighty daughter of God into this world and teach her how to fight like a girl. I know I have a connection to my boys but i know there is a different sort of connection with a little girl. Lord, I may not really mean it right this moment but I will say it until I do mean it. I am okay with not being pregnant again. I feel the release happening in the spirit. I don't have to get pregant to fix my past. The past is gone. Thank you Lord. Thank you for bringing me to this place. Thank you for exchanging the past for the future.