Isaiah 43:18-19

Okay, in light of my last post I feel I need to post the answer I have recieved from my Father.

The verse is
18 "Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.

This verse has been brought before me several times now from different places. I can fell it's renewing breath wash over me.

Thank you Father!!!

The Dynamic of Exchange

Wise women know what to hold fast to and what to release. They exchange the things of death for the blessings of life. As I let these words soak into my spirit and write themselves on my heart I lay in bed ready to weap.

I have to say this is going to be a very personal blog that is hard for me to write. I don't want to put these words on "paper" but I know I need to. I am struggling right now to get started and to realese what is in my heart. I want to make this post private and not let anyone read it but then that is not really letting go is it? So... here goes nothing... no not nothing... here goes a release in the spirit.

For a while I have struggled with the fact that I felt like I failed my two boys in their first years. And I failed the very description of being a mom. I resented having them so close (13 months) I thought that the joy of either pregnancy was taken from me. See with Daniel I was in a car wreck during the sixth month. So the rest of the pregnancy was over shadowed with fear and physical pain for while anyway. With Andrew I couldn't focus all of my energy on the joys of being pregnant becuase I was often too sick and still having to give mommy time to Daniel who was only 4 months old when I got pregnant. Then with having two of them in diapers, breast feeding one and bottle feeding the other I didn't force myself to stop and enjoy them. All I look back and see is staying tired and being miserable. I am not supposed to fell that way about the beginning of my children's life. I feel I failed as a mother becuase I can not honestly remeber holding either one of them for the first time. It hurts to listen to women who talk about the connection they instantly made with their baby the first time they looked at each other. I have no memory of either. And that hurts like you can't believe. I will never get back those moments.

So to try to heal myself I convince myself that I could do it better the next time. And the next time should be right away. I tell myself over and over just try again when you have the next baby - which has to be a girl becuase thats what I want. Well, it is just not that easy. People look at me and say I am crazy for wanting another one. While I am silently shouting - BUT IF I DONT HAVE ANOTHER BABY I CAN"T PROOVE THAT I AM NOT A FAILURE! It is not just a want - IT IS A NEED! But my husband (in his words) is "okay with not having another child." I AM NOT OKAY! I feel like I have to proove myself.

So for the past couple of days I have been addressing this in my spirit. I have to be okay with whatever God wants. Me and my husband are to be one. And this is putting a wall between us. (Dusty - if you read this please understand I am not gripping or complaining. I am trying to release this so that I can move past it. Thank you for understanding.) I have to release my desire for another baby. I think well, if i say that I am okay with not ever being pregnant again, then God will hear me and he wants me to be happy and he knows that another baby will make me happy. So basically I never really let go.

I am exchanging the what I see as past failures for God's encouragement that I am a good mother.

I exchange the need of a another child for the deisre to know my husbands heart on a deeper level.

I exchange the void of memories I should have for memories I will make with Daniel and Andrew each and every day.

I have come to realize that even if I have another baby, I will never get back what I feel like I lost with the first two. So now I re;ease all of those feelings and say to the enemy I might not have let God turn me into the the jewel he wanted to create then, but that does not make me a failure I take back my miserable past and give it to the Father that was always there right beside and I will no longer dwell on what I feel that I missed but I will dweel on what I remeber as great. The days I would breastfeed Andrew and rock Daniel with a bottle just praying that we could all sleep just a little. The times I would just watch Andrew and Daniel sleeping. the first time Daniel ate a pickle. how Andrew would cry until we set him in his walker and Uncle Daryl would give him a graham cracker to chew on until it was so slobbery he couldn't hold on to it. The day Daniel stood in the chair above Andrew on the floor and was eating a cookie spilling the crumbs on Andrew and Andrew would pick up the smaller pieces and eat them. How much fun they had in GoGo's pool. I cling to those memories, never to let go of them.

Lord, you know there will always be a severt place in my heart that wants a baby girl. But now I can say that it is not becuase I want to proove that I can do it, It is becuase I want to bring a lovely mighty daughter of God into this world and teach her how to fight like a girl. I know I have a connection to my boys but i know there is a different sort of connection with a little girl. Lord, I may not really mean it right this moment but I will say it until I do mean it. I am okay with not being pregnant again. I feel the release happening in the spirit. I don't have to get pregant to fix my past. The past is gone. Thank you Lord. Thank you for bringing me to this place. Thank you for exchanging the past for the future.

Gifts from the Father (FLaG Ch.6)

I have learned something from a favorite book of mine and when, why, and how I am to Fight as a Daughter of the most High God. The book is the Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe by CS Lewis. If you have never read the book or watched the movie they are both excellent. This revelation came to be through another book I am reading and loving: Fight Like a Girl (FLaG) by Lisa Bevere. (Also a great book for women of all ages!)

Let me recap for you a little:

Narnia is a magical place found by a little girl named Lucy. The world is under the control of evil and it has been winter for years on end. It was proficied that 2 sons of eve and 2 daughters of eve would come and bring spring back to the land. Lucy and her brothers and sister come. At one point they meet Father Christmas, becuase before spring can come fully the life and joy of Christmas must first visit the land again. There is too much spiritually there than I have time and patience to type. The gifts that Father Christmas brings is what I want to focus on right now. Like I said if you haven't watched the movie go rent it TODAY!

From the book;

"Susan, Eve's daughter," said Father Christmas. "These are for you," and he handed a bow and a quiver full of arrows and a little ivory horn. "You must use the bow only in great need," he said"for I do not mean you to fight in the battle. It does not easily miss. And when you put thus horn to your lips and blow it, then wherever you are, I think help of some kind will come to you."

He gave her [Lucy] a little bottle of what looked like glass (but people said afterwards that it was made of diamond) and a small dagger. "In this bottle," he said, "there is a cordial made of the juice of one of the fire-flowers that grow in the mountains of the sun. If you or any of your firends are hurt, a few drops of this will restore you. And the dagger is to defend yourself at great need. For you also are not to be in the battle"

So basically each girl got two gifts. I know that God has given us each of these gifts as well.

The first gift is the gift of bow and a full quiver of arrows. Psalms 127:4 says "like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth." So our children are our arrows. As a mother I am called to position my children and launch them into the future. Just like shooting a physical bow and arrow there is a process to this: you have to draw back steady and slow, center your sights on the target, and release. At this time in my life I know I am in the first step of that process.

Susan's second gift was a horn. Father Christmas told her that in time of need to use this and that help of some kind would show itself. This is our prayers. We have been given a incredible link to the heart of God through prayer. This a weapon of great strength. I believe that sometimes we see things far in the distance that others around may not see. This is when we are called to pray. Prayers are also like arrows because they are both launched into the future. I also want to point out that help of some kind will appear. This means that it is not always the help that we wanted. God will show himself mighty if we jut trust Him.

Now unto Lucy's gifts. First she was given the cordial. In my soul I know this was a deep crimson juice. It is to represent the healing power of God through the blood of Jesus Christ. What a powerful gift! It was not to simply heal but to RESTORE. After a wound is healed there may still be a lingering pain but when something is restored it is often more glorious than when it was damaged.

Secondly, she was given a dagger. This shows me that we are to strike when the enemy draws near. And that when it is time to strike God will use whatever is in our hands. You may not see what is in your hands that is powerful but think of these weapons: money to single mom who needs some extra groceries, prayer with a friend in need, an encouraging word to a neighbor who is hurting, a blanket to a cold orphan, and the list goes on. My sister, what God has placed in your hands in annointed! It has a mark, a destiny and it will bless! You may not see the outcome with physical eyes but God will bring it about in his timing. you have to listen to the voice of God, when he calls you to fight you will be armed and dangerous. Sometimes our weapons are unexpected but they are none-the-less powerful!

you might ask the question why not the gift of the mighty sword and sheild so that we can ride into battle and defend the King in love... I only ask this: Is it more noble to wound and kill or to bring heling and strength to the army?

One final thought: Susan's gifts were both for seeing with spiritual eyes. We see spiritually where our arrows are to go and we see the spiritaul attack of Satan coming and when to pray. Lucy's gifts were both physical. We must physically reach out to heal those around us. And the dagger represents the actions we take to attack the enemy. I see where God has given all of these gifts to his Daughters and the privilege to use them.

This prayer is from Fight Like a Girl:

Heavenly Father, I come to you in the name of Jesus and by the power of Your Holy Spirit. Please reveal the importnace of my position. When I look at myself, I don't see it. But when I lift my eyes and look at the desperate need and devastation surrounding me, I long to have my part. I want to prove my love in every way possible. I will not despise the cordial of healing. I eill intercede for life in the face of death. I want to walk in wisdom, intuition, and understanding. I want to enter in the adventure of partnering with You to redee, the attack of the enemy. I will put arrows to the string. I will equip my children and send my prayers heaven ward. I am Your answer to so many problems; open my eyes to see it clearly. AMEN